I have to let you both go. If I’m honest with myself I hate you both. I hate what you both have done to me. I want you both out of my life forever. You have caused me pain and heartache. I’m in rehab because you kept me high even when I asked you not to give me anymore. You liked me high and I allowed you to stay in my life for too long because I was afraid of what you would do when I made you go away. You both say you love me but you destroy my world when I end it and when i think of love its when that person wants you to be happy with or without you. And you both don’t wish that for me at all. At this moment I look at my life and what you both have done to me and I question myself and why in the fuck do I keep you in my life after putting me in jail, threatening my kids, telling them I am on drugs, purposely trying to hurt my children and myself. You both mind fuck me and Im fucking tired of it. I’m tired of sitting back and watching you destroy my world right in front of my eyes and I do nothing about it. I’m done with your emotionally fucking me and making me feel like whore, and an object, Im done with your abusive words and Im done with your threats. Im taking charge now. Im in control of me now. Your no longer in control . you will no longer hurt me nor will you dictate who i see and who I talk to and what I do. Im taking control of my world now . you will not destroy my world anymore. Its over and I fucking hate you both for wasting my precious time. I have learned life is to short to waste it.
These are the types of choices I make when Im using. In my head , I really believe Im making logical choices. Meth is Evil and it tricks your mind , body, and soul, These are the types of relationships I choose to be in when Im, using.
I left my Home because I was running from you. You’re the man who put me in jail, who set me up with the police when it was all a lie, you, the man who broke in my home, bleached all my clothes , and ruined all my belongings, The man who robbed me and took my computer’s, stole money from my accounts. The man who got me fired from my job, who told my kids lies just to get them to hate me. The man who refused to leave me alone and would not stop for nothing. I could not take it anymore and could not bare to watch you destroy what was left of my world . So I packed my bags and jumped in my car to get as far as I could from you trying to reach out and get to me. Its so hard not to reply to your messages or emails. The things you say to me just to get my attention are so powerful and damaging to my soul that each time I read a email from you, it damages my heart and soul piece by piece. You have made it so easy for me to hate you .
Tonight I sit here and Wonder how did I get so far away from home to run from you and here I sit in a hotel room with you laying next to me in my bed? Am I the sick one? Why would I allow you near me again after everything you have done to me? Why? Do I just have no respect for myself at all that I would let you just come back and keep abusing me? I started out really well. I spent the first 15 days alone and just with me and my thoughts. And as much as I hate being alone , I actually enjoyed my time by myself.
I caved in and after not replying to you for 15 days and it was a long 15 days of you harassing me all day long via any way, he could get my attention I didn’t respond no matter what. But the minute I was left alone to drive to my next destination I caved in and picked up the message. I dont know why I did it. DO I like the attention? yes. Do I miss him ..I miss the good in him, i miss the man who adored me and who made me feel beautiful when he looked at me. And that is who I always get when I see him. He is the man I love when we are together. The minute I walk away from him , he becomes a monster that is mean, vindictive, revengeful and hurtful. And he will stop for nothing. And when it calms down the amount of damage that has been done in this short amount of time by him is irreparable. So I ask myself How can I love this monster? How do I feel so safe when Im with you yet I have never felt so unsafe when in not with you? Am I the sick one?