Tag Archives: self help

Goodbye to you and Goodbye to my Drug

I have to let you both go. If I’m honest with myself I hate you both. I hate what you both have done to me. I want you both out of my life forever. You have caused me pain and heartache. I’m in rehab because you kept me high even when I asked you not to give me anymore. You liked me high and I allowed you to stay in my life for too long because I was afraid of what you would do when I made you go away. You both say you love me but you destroy my world when I end it and when i think of love its when that person wants you to be happy with or without you. And you both don’t wish that for me at all. At this moment I look at my life and what you both have done to me and I question myself and why in the fuck do I keep you in my life after putting me in jail, threatening my kids, telling them I am on drugs, purposely trying to hurt my children and myself. You both mind fuck me and Im fucking tired of it. I’m tired of sitting back and watching you destroy my world right in front of my eyes and I do nothing about it. I’m done with your emotionally fucking me and making me feel like whore, and an object, Im done with your abusive words and Im done with your threats. Im taking charge now. Im in control of me now. Your no longer in control . you will no longer hurt me nor will you dictate who i see and who I talk to and what I do. Im taking control of my world now . you will not destroy my world anymore. Its over and I fucking hate you both for wasting my precious time. I have learned life is to short to waste it.

DAY 6

Today I woke up and something was different in me. I felt good. I felt really good. I could tell I was finally coming out of this meth induced fog. it was finally out of my system and I felt a new feeling. I was excited to start my day and I felt happy to be right where I am today.

I went to my Gym class today and My trainer said lets walk to the beach. So we did ! I was so excited to leave the building and walk out there to the pier. The air was so crisp and everything looked so clear for the first time in 4 years. I took every minute in and it brought me to tears. I stood on the pier and cried . I haven’t seen the beach not high in 4 years. It was amazing to feel so clear headed. I became very grateful for where I was at this moment, and I am feeling excited about staying clean and living life to its fullest. I have hope that I will become the best me.

The Day Before Day One

I did it. I made the call to my health insurance and asked for help. I actually did it. It took me four years to pick the phone up and ask for help. I know I can do this. I have done it before, But when you go back into a familiar hole, you always go deeper and it is so much harder to make your way out, Especially when you realize your not quite as young anymore, Its much harder to crawl out of a hole when your 50. It also feels so embarrassing at my age to be trying to grow up finally and put my big girl panties on . So I spoke to a woman who will be my new therapist that I will talk to every week. She would like me to go to 30 day treatment Center to life there. Now I was excited to do this until she said 30 days somewhere. Hearing her tell me she thinks i need to do 30 days elsewhere, makes it hard for me to breath. So the plan will be when i come to my appointment with her next week she said If I am “clean” than we will intergrade me into the Intensive Outpatient Program like we discussed . If I am not clean , than we need to discuss the scary word, “30 day Rehab.” So now I have 7 days that I have to try and get clean before I see her. Lets see how that goes. I cant breathe already. But then again I know I can do this. The issue I have is that I am more afraid of being in my own skin because I have been numb for 4 years. So “Thawing out” is going to be the hardest part. I just need to get used to the real Me. I have been the other me for so long. The other me thinks she is productive yet she literally is going in circles all day long getting nothing done. She forgets everything and she is late to every event she attends. She truly thinks she is Wonder Woman and is doing her life perfectly. Little does she know she is lost in her own little world and believes her own lies. Wish me Luck……