Tag Archives: painful memories

Goodbye to you and Goodbye to my Drug

I have to let you both go. If I’m honest with myself I hate you both. I hate what you both have done to me. I want you both out of my life forever. You have caused me pain and heartache. I’m in rehab because you kept me high even when I asked you not to give me anymore. You liked me high and I allowed you to stay in my life for too long because I was afraid of what you would do when I made you go away. You both say you love me but you destroy my world when I end it and when i think of love its when that person wants you to be happy with or without you. And you both don’t wish that for me at all. At this moment I look at my life and what you both have done to me and I question myself and why in the fuck do I keep you in my life after putting me in jail, threatening my kids, telling them I am on drugs, purposely trying to hurt my children and myself. You both mind fuck me and Im fucking tired of it. I’m tired of sitting back and watching you destroy my world right in front of my eyes and I do nothing about it. I’m done with your emotionally fucking me and making me feel like whore, and an object, Im done with your abusive words and Im done with your threats. Im taking charge now. Im in control of me now. Your no longer in control . you will no longer hurt me nor will you dictate who i see and who I talk to and what I do. Im taking control of my world now . you will not destroy my world anymore. Its over and I fucking hate you both for wasting my precious time. I have learned life is to short to waste it.

DAY THREE

Today I started feeling emotions for the first time in 4 years. There are so many feelings going through my body that I dont know what to fucking do with them. I am overwhelmed with emotions and the tears just keep flowing. I cant sit through anything without crying. Even my god damn Yoga class made me cry. I hate feeling this much emotion. Especially when I dont know what I’m crying about. I want to go home. I miss my home and I miss my life. I have no control here. I will say that I find the classes interesting and enjoyable. I like the spiritual programs and the way they look at at addiction here. They believe its not a disease and they work on the root of the problem, which is usually some childhood trauma or something in your life that has made you want to numb your pain. I know my parents raised me well up until the divorce happened. Once the divorce happened, my life changed and my grades dropped. My self esteem died and I my soul died when they divorced. The back and fourth to each parents house was alot for me and I hated it. I felt like I was having to please both parents and I didnt want to watch them compete for me not did I want to disappoint either of them. It was so hard to try and make both of them happy with me.

Im not sure if thats is why I use today but I do know that my own divorce has affected my world and I feel like I let my own children down with the break up of my ex husband and I . I feel like my son got that short end of the stick and didn’t get to have a mom and dad that were together through his entire childhood. It wasn’t fair to him. I feel guilty for that. I struggle with a relationship with my daughter because I feel like she hates me, or she looks down on me, and I m not totally sure why. Maybe its the drug use shes mad at? Maybe I wasn’t the mom she wanted or thought I should be. I guilt trip a lot and that is something I struggle with because my mom did that to me and I hated it. So why i do it to her, I dont know. I dont want to be my mother and I feel like I have become my mother. The recent loss of my mom, my dad, and my my grandma has killed my soul. I dont get why I keep getting dealt these shitty cards in my life but I want good to come and I just want to be happy. I want to be clean, and I want to live life and be happy. I want to be happy and comfortable in my own skin. I know I need to stay here and use this opportunity to its fullest. I’m gonna give it my best shot. But its hard and its alot of work . Im more scared of going home and staying clean. That worries me the most.

Mommy

My mom was my best friend. She was the only one that would have my back no matter what I said or did. She would give me her last dollar if she had to. She was my safe place. She taught me unconditional love and she gave that same love to my children. She made me laugh and she always listened to my stories with so much enthusiasm for everything I told her. We loved to shop together. This woman would go to target with me and my kids and drop 600.00 with out a blink of an eye. It was crazy and it was fun. My mom taught me many things in life that are a part of who I am. She also taught me how to be addict. She forgot tell me that there was addiction in my family and that its in my genes too. She didn’t tell me that before she drove me around to every urgent care in the city and gave me a hundred dollars to walk in and say i had pain so I could come out with a bottle of vicodin for us to share. She didn’t tell me that I was going to fight this pill for the rest of my life. She forgot to tell me I had to fight for my life everyday to stay clean because I’m am addict. What if I choose to not go in those urgent cares and what if I didn’t take the pills she handed me. Maybe my life would be different.

My mom died of Covid Last year and I’m so mad at her. She never owned up to the fact that she was an addict and that what she did with me was wrong. She was supposed to protect me as her daughter. I didn’t need a party friend , I needed a mom to show me right from wrong. I think about her now and I could accept my mom as an addict. I was not ok with that. Because I missed the mom I knew before addiction took over. But now I know my mom did the best she could do for what she was capable of doing. She was ashamed of her addiction and couldn’t own it. I dint hold resentment at her. I will cherish the good things she taught me and most if all the unditional love she gave and taught me how to give to others

Loosing Your Family…..To COVID

I lost my dad , my mom, and my Grandma last year to covid. I lost them in a 3 week time span, It was so unexpected and it all happened so fast that it just didn’t feel real. I had no feelings when they died. It was such a strange feeling to loose both of my parents at once. The Loss I felt inside of me was so overwhelming. When I went to see my mom at the hospital to take her of life support on my birthday, I stood over her body and looked at her for the longest time. I kept thinking she was going to open her eyes and wake up. Her skin looked so good .She didn’t look like someone who was about to die. She looked like she was taking a nap. I waited there at her bedside, surrounded by fifty other COVID patients on life support waiting to die, and I just didn’t understand how she was not going to ever wake up again. She cant die. She’s my mom. and my mom is not supposed to die and leave me alone. The last time I spoke to her she was giving me this guilt trip about not seeing my grandma enough and that she was dying and I should have went to see her more. I got mad at her and hung up the phone on her. She called back but I didn’t want to talk to her because I was mad. So I let the phone ring and didn’t pick up. I hated the guilt trips she would give me . My mom would give you the shirt on her back and nothing but unconditional Love, But you can better belive she will come back to you someday and throw that guilt trip out and make you feel horrible. My Grandma died 2 days before my mom died and the only good thing that I can try to look at this was that neither my mom or my grandma had to see each other die. They didn’t know eachother died because after my grandma died My mom was in the hospital getting more sick very rapidly so I decided it was not a good idea to tell her. My mom was an addict too. THere were alot of things I didn’t get a chance to tell my mom and It makes me angry because although she was my best friend, she also was the person that helped get me hooked on Vicodins. When I was 19 My mom would make me go the urgent cares in town and she would give me cash and tell me to tell them I had back pain and then they would give me a bottle of vicodin. She took me around to each urgent care and then once I got the bottle she would share them with me. During that time I didn’t think much of it but later on in life when I had to get help to get clean the first time I had to work so hard to get off those dame pills and I still have to work hard everyday to tell myself to not take any pills. And Im mad that Im an addict. I am mad at my mom for this. She was supposed to protect me, not party with me. Our entire relationship became based on pills and getting high together. Yes we had some fun times, but I wanted a mom more that a party cool mom. I didn’t want the mom who stole my cocaine on my prom night from me and my friends, or the the mom who made out with one of my friends once at my party. I didn’t want the mom who went out every weekend and brought home a different guy every Saturday night to our house. I didn’t want the mom who made me feel like I was her mom my entire teenage life. I wanted her to know how it affected my life with her poor choices. I wanted her to own the things she did wrong and admit she was an addict. But she never did and now she’s gone. I’m made she left me here alone. My dad too. I have yet to grief for the loss of all three of them and I am just starting that process. Smoking Meth will rob you of your feelings so you dont have to feel emotions. You think its fine in that moment but I am just now today after their death a year ago , learning how to feel the fact that they are gone now and I have to find a way to reif them and let it go so i can move on. I am having to do twice the grieving it feels like now that I held it in this long,