I have to let you both go. If I’m honest with myself I hate you both. I hate what you both have done to me. I want you both out of my life forever. You have caused me pain and heartache. I’m in rehab because you kept me high even when I asked you not to give me anymore. You liked me high and I allowed you to stay in my life for too long because I was afraid of what you would do when I made you go away. You both say you love me but you destroy my world when I end it and when i think of love its when that person wants you to be happy with or without you. And you both don’t wish that for me at all. At this moment I look at my life and what you both have done to me and I question myself and why in the fuck do I keep you in my life after putting me in jail, threatening my kids, telling them I am on drugs, purposely trying to hurt my children and myself. You both mind fuck me and Im fucking tired of it. I’m tired of sitting back and watching you destroy my world right in front of my eyes and I do nothing about it. I’m done with your emotionally fucking me and making me feel like whore, and an object, Im done with your abusive words and Im done with your threats. Im taking charge now. Im in control of me now. Your no longer in control . you will no longer hurt me nor will you dictate who i see and who I talk to and what I do. Im taking control of my world now . you will not destroy my world anymore. Its over and I fucking hate you both for wasting my precious time. I have learned life is to short to waste it.
My mom was my best friend. She was the only one that would have my back no matter what I said or did. She would give me her last dollar if she had to. She was my safe place. She taught me unconditional love and she gave that same love to my children. She made me laugh and she always listened to my stories with so much enthusiasm for everything I told her. We loved to shop together. This woman would go to target with me and my kids and drop 600.00 with out a blink of an eye. It was crazy and it was fun. My mom taught me many things in life that are a part of who I am. She also taught me how to be addict. She forgot tell me that there was addiction in my family and that its in my genes too. She didn’t tell me that before she drove me around to every urgent care in the city and gave me a hundred dollars to walk in and say i had pain so I could come out with a bottle of vicodin for us to share. She didn’t tell me that I was going to fight this pill for the rest of my life. She forgot to tell me I had to fight for my life everyday to stay clean because I’m am addict. What if I choose to not go in those urgent cares and what if I didn’t take the pills she handed me. Maybe my life would be different.
My mom died of Covid Last year and I’m so mad at her. She never owned up to the fact that she was an addict and that what she did with me was wrong. She was supposed to protect me as her daughter. I didn’t need a party friend , I needed a mom to show me right from wrong. I think about her now and I could accept my mom as an addict. I was not ok with that. Because I missed the mom I knew before addiction took over. But now I know my mom did the best she could do for what she was capable of doing. She was ashamed of her addiction and couldn’t own it. I dint hold resentment at her. I will cherish the good things she taught me and most if all the unditional love she gave and taught me how to give to others