I have to let you both go. If I’m honest with myself I hate you both. I hate what you both have done to me. I want you both out of my life forever. You have caused me pain and heartache. I’m in rehab because you kept me high even when I asked you not to give me anymore. You liked me high and I allowed you to stay in my life for too long because I was afraid of what you would do when I made you go away. You both say you love me but you destroy my world when I end it and when i think of love its when that person wants you to be happy with or without you. And you both don’t wish that for me at all. At this moment I look at my life and what you both have done to me and I question myself and why in the fuck do I keep you in my life after putting me in jail, threatening my kids, telling them I am on drugs, purposely trying to hurt my children and myself. You both mind fuck me and Im fucking tired of it. I’m tired of sitting back and watching you destroy my world right in front of my eyes and I do nothing about it. I’m done with your emotionally fucking me and making me feel like whore, and an object, Im done with your abusive words and Im done with your threats. Im taking charge now. Im in control of me now. Your no longer in control . you will no longer hurt me nor will you dictate who i see and who I talk to and what I do. Im taking control of my world now . you will not destroy my world anymore. Its over and I fucking hate you both for wasting my precious time. I have learned life is to short to waste it.
Well, that didn’t Turn out very well. I had 7 days to try and stay clean until I go see my Therapist and Now, I only have 2 days until I meet with her. Guess I have how many days clean, none. Every morning I wake up and I say nope not doing it today. Then I say nope! I’m not going to flush the stuff down the toilet either. Such addict behavior!! Like any of this makes sense. Normal people would do the logical thing and throw it out, so they don’t get the urge to get high. Well, my head says let’s not throw it out because just knowing its near me makes me feel better. You know just in case I need it for an emergency… What in the hell kind of emergency says you better take your Meth now? I really can’t wait to stop thinking with a Meth brain which Tells me I am making perfectly great sense. And I really can’t wait to stop thinking my ass is Wonder Woman and I’m on top of my game when my ass is really hiding in the bathroom smoking her shit all day. I’m aware of all these things I’m doing and what I am not doing but I just can’t seem to stop the chaos. It’s a struggle because I love smoking meth. I love the feeling I get with it. I love the sex I love the confidence I get. (that’s the Wonder Woman in me I talk about) I love that it numbs my entire soul, therefore i don’t need to feel anything. I can just slide through my days without feeling them. No problems, no happiness when happy things happen, and no sadness when someone dies. The sad thing is that I know I really want to feel again, I just don’t what they even feel like. It has been way to long. My body is in overload wanting to let these feelings out. I can only imagine how emotional that is going to be when they come out. Now that I have spilled the beans and told my therapist I need help there is no turning back. If I’m honest, I am already feeling sad because I will miss it. I got used to who I became while I was high. I forgot Who I am not high. But I know it was taking me down slowly and consistently after every single day for the past four years. It’s time to do the work and go reintroduce myself.