Tag Archives: addiction

Goodbye to you and Goodbye to my Drug

I have to let you both go. If I’m honest with myself I hate you both. I hate what you both have done to me. I want you both out of my life forever. You have caused me pain and heartache. I’m in rehab because you kept me high even when I asked you not to give me anymore. You liked me high and I allowed you to stay in my life for too long because I was afraid of what you would do when I made you go away. You both say you love me but you destroy my world when I end it and when i think of love its when that person wants you to be happy with or without you. And you both don’t wish that for me at all. At this moment I look at my life and what you both have done to me and I question myself and why in the fuck do I keep you in my life after putting me in jail, threatening my kids, telling them I am on drugs, purposely trying to hurt my children and myself. You both mind fuck me and Im fucking tired of it. I’m tired of sitting back and watching you destroy my world right in front of my eyes and I do nothing about it. I’m done with your emotionally fucking me and making me feel like whore, and an object, Im done with your abusive words and Im done with your threats. Im taking charge now. Im in control of me now. Your no longer in control . you will no longer hurt me nor will you dictate who i see and who I talk to and what I do. Im taking control of my world now . you will not destroy my world anymore. Its over and I fucking hate you both for wasting my precious time. I have learned life is to short to waste it.

DAY 6

Today I woke up and something was different in me. I felt good. I felt really good. I could tell I was finally coming out of this meth induced fog. it was finally out of my system and I felt a new feeling. I was excited to start my day and I felt happy to be right where I am today.

I went to my Gym class today and My trainer said lets walk to the beach. So we did ! I was so excited to leave the building and walk out there to the pier. The air was so crisp and everything looked so clear for the first time in 4 years. I took every minute in and it brought me to tears. I stood on the pier and cried . I haven’t seen the beach not high in 4 years. It was amazing to feel so clear headed. I became very grateful for where I was at this moment, and I am feeling excited about staying clean and living life to its fullest. I have hope that I will become the best me.

DAY THREE

Today I started feeling emotions for the first time in 4 years. There are so many feelings going through my body that I dont know what to fucking do with them. I am overwhelmed with emotions and the tears just keep flowing. I cant sit through anything without crying. Even my god damn Yoga class made me cry. I hate feeling this much emotion. Especially when I dont know what I’m crying about. I want to go home. I miss my home and I miss my life. I have no control here. I will say that I find the classes interesting and enjoyable. I like the spiritual programs and the way they look at at addiction here. They believe its not a disease and they work on the root of the problem, which is usually some childhood trauma or something in your life that has made you want to numb your pain. I know my parents raised me well up until the divorce happened. Once the divorce happened, my life changed and my grades dropped. My self esteem died and I my soul died when they divorced. The back and fourth to each parents house was alot for me and I hated it. I felt like I was having to please both parents and I didnt want to watch them compete for me not did I want to disappoint either of them. It was so hard to try and make both of them happy with me.

Im not sure if thats is why I use today but I do know that my own divorce has affected my world and I feel like I let my own children down with the break up of my ex husband and I . I feel like my son got that short end of the stick and didn’t get to have a mom and dad that were together through his entire childhood. It wasn’t fair to him. I feel guilty for that. I struggle with a relationship with my daughter because I feel like she hates me, or she looks down on me, and I m not totally sure why. Maybe its the drug use shes mad at? Maybe I wasn’t the mom she wanted or thought I should be. I guilt trip a lot and that is something I struggle with because my mom did that to me and I hated it. So why i do it to her, I dont know. I dont want to be my mother and I feel like I have become my mother. The recent loss of my mom, my dad, and my my grandma has killed my soul. I dont get why I keep getting dealt these shitty cards in my life but I want good to come and I just want to be happy. I want to be clean, and I want to live life and be happy. I want to be happy and comfortable in my own skin. I know I need to stay here and use this opportunity to its fullest. I’m gonna give it my best shot. But its hard and its alot of work . Im more scared of going home and staying clean. That worries me the most.

My Letter To My Love named Crystal

My own Secret Lover

I wrote this about 8 years ago when I got the clean the first time . I always like to go back and read this when I need a reminder of what this drug did to my world .

I remember the day I met you. It was love at first sight. The way you looked at me through your sparkly eyes, it was a look that I had never seen before. When we touched lips, I began to feel your love for me run down my throat and through my veins until I could only feel one feeling and that was that I only wanted to feel this way with you for the rest of my life. You came into my life at a time when I needed somebody to help me get through my hardest and darkest days ever. You gave me that boost of energy to make me want to wake up in the morning. You gave me a feeling that I could not be hurt anyone or by any person in my life. You followed through with your promises. You were there when nobody else was. You were there when I would wake up and need to feel OK again. I started to depend on you more and more. I didn’t realize I could fall this deeply in love again with something. It became a scary kind of love. I need you more than you needed me. I became more lonely with you. You took my friends away. You took my family away. You took my ability to love away. You took my smile away. I thought you loved me? Why are you making me feel so cold and alone. I feel afraid yet wont stop being with you. I can’t live without you. Please, if you loved me you would not make me feel this way. I don’t want to love you anymore. I don’t want to need you in my life in order to wake up and live my day. I’m sorry but I cant love you any longer. You have ruined my life and taken my soul away. My heart hurts from being so cold for so long. I want to warm my heart again with real love. Please don’t do this to me. I know I am stronger than you are. I can make you go away forever. I will do it. I will take my heart back and I will heal myself from your poison. Your glass lips are nothing to me anymore. How could I have kissed you and thought you were going to help me and love me. I’m so sick to my stomach now. I have broken you many times and I will not do this to myself or my family ever again. Stay away from me because my strength, courage, and willingness to get healthy again will overpower your temporally love that you give me.

Good bye Crystal

The Day Before Day One

I did it. I made the call to my health insurance and asked for help. I actually did it. It took me four years to pick the phone up and ask for help. I know I can do this. I have done it before, But when you go back into a familiar hole, you always go deeper and it is so much harder to make your way out, Especially when you realize your not quite as young anymore, Its much harder to crawl out of a hole when your 50. It also feels so embarrassing at my age to be trying to grow up finally and put my big girl panties on . So I spoke to a woman who will be my new therapist that I will talk to every week. She would like me to go to 30 day treatment Center to life there. Now I was excited to do this until she said 30 days somewhere. Hearing her tell me she thinks i need to do 30 days elsewhere, makes it hard for me to breath. So the plan will be when i come to my appointment with her next week she said If I am “clean” than we will intergrade me into the Intensive Outpatient Program like we discussed . If I am not clean , than we need to discuss the scary word, “30 day Rehab.” So now I have 7 days that I have to try and get clean before I see her. Lets see how that goes. I cant breathe already. But then again I know I can do this. The issue I have is that I am more afraid of being in my own skin because I have been numb for 4 years. So “Thawing out” is going to be the hardest part. I just need to get used to the real Me. I have been the other me for so long. The other me thinks she is productive yet she literally is going in circles all day long getting nothing done. She forgets everything and she is late to every event she attends. She truly thinks she is Wonder Woman and is doing her life perfectly. Little does she know she is lost in her own little world and believes her own lies. Wish me Luck……