My Letter To My Love named Crystal

My own Secret Lover

I wrote this about 8 years ago when I got the clean the first time . I always like to go back and read this when I need a reminder of what this drug did to my world .

I remember the day I met you. It was love at first sight. The way you looked at me through your sparkly eyes, it was a look that I had never seen before. When we touched lips, I began to feel your love for me run down my throat and through my veins until I could only feel one feeling and that was that I only wanted to feel this way with you for the rest of my life. You came into my life at a time when I needed somebody to help me get through my hardest and darkest days ever. You gave me that boost of energy to make me want to wake up in the morning. You gave me a feeling that I could not be hurt anyone or by any person in my life. You followed through with your promises. You were there when nobody else was. You were there when I would wake up and need to feel OK again. I started to depend on you more and more. I didn’t realize I could fall this deeply in love again with something. It became a scary kind of love. I need you more than you needed me. I became more lonely with you. You took my friends away. You took my family away. You took my ability to love away. You took my smile away. I thought you loved me? Why are you making me feel so cold and alone. I feel afraid yet wont stop being with you. I can’t live without you. Please, if you loved me you would not make me feel this way. I don’t want to love you anymore. I don’t want to need you in my life in order to wake up and live my day. I’m sorry but I cant love you any longer. You have ruined my life and taken my soul away. My heart hurts from being so cold for so long. I want to warm my heart again with real love. Please don’t do this to me. I know I am stronger than you are. I can make you go away forever. I will do it. I will take my heart back and I will heal myself from your poison. Your glass lips are nothing to me anymore. How could I have kissed you and thought you were going to help me and love me. I’m so sick to my stomach now. I have broken you many times and I will not do this to myself or my family ever again. Stay away from me because my strength, courage, and willingness to get healthy again will overpower your temporally love that you give me.

Good bye Crystal

Habits are Hard to break

Well, that didn’t Turn out very well. I had 7 days to try and stay clean until I go see my Therapist and Now, I only have 2 days until I meet with her. Guess I have how many days clean, none. Every morning I wake up and I say nope not doing it today. Then I say nope! I’m not going to flush the stuff down the toilet either. Such addict behavior!! Like any of this makes sense. Normal people would do the logical thing and throw it out, so they don’t get the urge to get high. Well, my head says let’s not throw it out because just knowing its near me makes me feel better. You know just in case I need it for an emergency… What in the hell kind of emergency says you better take your Meth now? I really can’t wait to stop thinking with a Meth brain which Tells me I am making perfectly great sense. And I really can’t wait to stop thinking my ass is Wonder Woman and I’m on top of my game when my ass is really hiding in the bathroom smoking her shit all day. I’m aware of all these things I’m doing and what I am not doing but I just can’t seem to stop the chaos. It’s a struggle because I love smoking meth. I love the feeling I get with it. I love the sex I love the confidence I get. (that’s the Wonder Woman in me I talk about) I love that it numbs my entire soul, therefore i don’t need to feel anything. I can just slide through my days without feeling them. No problems, no happiness when happy things happen, and no sadness when someone dies. The sad thing is that I know I really want to feel again, I just don’t what they even feel like. It has been way to long. My body is in overload wanting to let these feelings out. I can only imagine how emotional that is going to be when they come out. Now that I have spilled the beans and told my therapist I need help there is no turning back. If I’m honest, I am already feeling sad because I will miss it. I got used to who I became while I was high. I forgot Who I am not high. But I know it was taking me down slowly and consistently after every single day for the past four years. It’s time to do the work and go reintroduce myself.

The Day Before Day One

I did it. I made the call to my health insurance and asked for help. I actually did it. It took me four years to pick the phone up and ask for help. I know I can do this. I have done it before, But when you go back into a familiar hole, you always go deeper and it is so much harder to make your way out, Especially when you realize your not quite as young anymore, Its much harder to crawl out of a hole when your 50. It also feels so embarrassing at my age to be trying to grow up finally and put my big girl panties on . So I spoke to a woman who will be my new therapist that I will talk to every week. She would like me to go to 30 day treatment Center to life there. Now I was excited to do this until she said 30 days somewhere. Hearing her tell me she thinks i need to do 30 days elsewhere, makes it hard for me to breath. So the plan will be when i come to my appointment with her next week she said If I am “clean” than we will intergrade me into the Intensive Outpatient Program like we discussed . If I am not clean , than we need to discuss the scary word, “30 day Rehab.” So now I have 7 days that I have to try and get clean before I see her. Lets see how that goes. I cant breathe already. But then again I know I can do this. The issue I have is that I am more afraid of being in my own skin because I have been numb for 4 years. So “Thawing out” is going to be the hardest part. I just need to get used to the real Me. I have been the other me for so long. The other me thinks she is productive yet she literally is going in circles all day long getting nothing done. She forgets everything and she is late to every event she attends. She truly thinks she is Wonder Woman and is doing her life perfectly. Little does she know she is lost in her own little world and believes her own lies. Wish me Luck……