Category Archives: relationships

Goodbye to you and Goodbye to my Drug

I have to let you both go. If I’m honest with myself I hate you both. I hate what you both have done to me. I want you both out of my life forever. You have caused me pain and heartache. I’m in rehab because you kept me high even when I asked you not to give me anymore. You liked me high and I allowed you to stay in my life for too long because I was afraid of what you would do when I made you go away. You both say you love me but you destroy my world when I end it and when i think of love its when that person wants you to be happy with or without you. And you both don’t wish that for me at all. At this moment I look at my life and what you both have done to me and I question myself and why in the fuck do I keep you in my life after putting me in jail, threatening my kids, telling them I am on drugs, purposely trying to hurt my children and myself. You both mind fuck me and Im fucking tired of it. I’m tired of sitting back and watching you destroy my world right in front of my eyes and I do nothing about it. I’m done with your emotionally fucking me and making me feel like whore, and an object, Im done with your abusive words and Im done with your threats. Im taking charge now. Im in control of me now. Your no longer in control . you will no longer hurt me nor will you dictate who i see and who I talk to and what I do. Im taking control of my world now . you will not destroy my world anymore. Its over and I fucking hate you both for wasting my precious time. I have learned life is to short to waste it.

The Monster

I left my Home because I was running from you. Your the man who put me in jail, your the man who set me up with the police when it was all a lie, your the man who broke into my home, bleached all my clothes , ruined all my belongings, Your The man who robbed me and took my computer’s, and stole money from my accounts. The man who got me fired from my job, and who told my kids lies just to get them to hate me. You are The man who refused to leave me alone and would not stop for nothing. I could not take it anymore and could not bare to watch you destroy what was left of my world . So I packed my bags and jumped in my car to get as far as I could from you. The words you attack me with, to get my attention, are so powerful and damaging to my soul every single time. it breaks my heart to think you are capable of saying such horrible things to me and have no remorse for saying them.

You have made it so easy for me to hate you. You have put me in a position where I cant love you anymore. I try and try to convince myself that the things you have done are in the past and I can move on from them. But the Truth is Im not so sure I can.. I will find a way to forgive you, but damage like this in any relationship will forever be damaged. I now know what you are capable of when your angry. Your way of handling things is with Rage, Revenge, and causing direct pain to that person, Even if its to the ones you love the most. So for me to know you could do these things with a blink of an eye is enough for me to stay away forever. You cant be my future. My future does not foresee ugliness like this.

It took me 3 years for me to find the monster in you. To think I had no idea you could become this way. Never in a million years did I think you would have me put in jail just to save your own ass from being put in jail. Nor did I think you would make up some crazy story about me to the police and try yet again to have me arrested. You are just a very damaged man and you dont know any other way but to put your defenses up and become the Monster inside of you. I know you say you love me , but love does not threaten, or insult, or plan to destroy ones life if she leaves him. When I am with you , you treat me like a Queen. Like no other man ever has. When you leave my site, you treat me worse than any woman should ever be treated. I hate that you have done this. The damage is done and I know I respect myself more than this . Why do I keep letting you in . Maybe I’m scared to deal with what you will do next. Maybe I love you still, Maybe I will miss the good in you. Whatever it is , I know I have to say goodbye and let you go. I need you to let me go too. This isn’t healthy for you nor myself any longer. I only wish you happiness even after all that you have done to hurt me. I will not discount that I have hurt you too and I am so very sorry for my part in your pain. But you think this is love and I think cant be love. True Love only wishes happiness to a person when they are with or without that person in life. And I will always love you with or without you. Please let me go.

Mommy

My mom was my best friend. She was the only one that would have my back no matter what I said or did. She would give me her last dollar if she had to. She was my safe place. She taught me unconditional love and she gave that same love to my children. She made me laugh and she always listened to my stories with so much enthusiasm for everything I told her. We loved to shop together. This woman would go to target with me and my kids and drop 600.00 with out a blink of an eye. It was crazy and it was fun. My mom taught me many things in life that are a part of who I am. She also taught me how to be addict. She forgot tell me that there was addiction in my family and that its in my genes too. She didn’t tell me that before she drove me around to every urgent care in the city and gave me a hundred dollars to walk in and say i had pain so I could come out with a bottle of vicodin for us to share. She didn’t tell me that I was going to fight this pill for the rest of my life. She forgot to tell me I had to fight for my life everyday to stay clean because I’m am addict. What if I choose to not go in those urgent cares and what if I didn’t take the pills she handed me. Maybe my life would be different.

My mom died of Covid Last year and I’m so mad at her. She never owned up to the fact that she was an addict and that what she did with me was wrong. She was supposed to protect me as her daughter. I didn’t need a party friend , I needed a mom to show me right from wrong. I think about her now and I could accept my mom as an addict. I was not ok with that. Because I missed the mom I knew before addiction took over. But now I know my mom did the best she could do for what she was capable of doing. She was ashamed of her addiction and couldn’t own it. I dint hold resentment at her. I will cherish the good things she taught me and most if all the unditional love she gave and taught me how to give to others

Poor Choices

Am I the Sick one?

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These are the types of choices I make when Im using. In my head , I really believe Im making logical choices. Meth is Evil and it tricks your mind , body, and soul, These are the types of relationships I choose to be in when Im, using.

I left my Home because I was running from you. You’re the man who put me in jail, who set me up with the police when it was all a lie, you, the man who broke in my home, bleached all my clothes , and ruined all my belongings, The man who robbed me and took my computer’s, stole money from my accounts. The man who got me fired from my job, who told my kids lies just to get them to hate me. The man who refused to leave me alone and would not stop for nothing. I could not take it anymore and could not bare to watch you destroy what was left of my world . So I packed my bags and jumped in my car to get as far as I could from you trying to reach out and get to me. Its so hard not to reply to your messages or emails. The things you say to me just to get my attention are so powerful and damaging to my soul that each time I read a email from you, it damages my heart and soul piece by piece. You have made it so easy for me to hate you .

Tonight I sit here and Wonder how did I get so far away from home to run from you and here I sit in a hotel room with you laying next to me in my bed? Am I the sick one? Why would I allow you near me again after everything you have done to me? Why? Do I just have no respect for myself at all that I would let you just come back and keep abusing me? I started out really well. I spent the first 15 days alone and just with me and my thoughts. And as much as I hate being alone , I actually enjoyed my time by myself.

I caved in and after not replying to you for 15 days and it was a long 15 days of you harassing me all day long via any way, he could get my attention I didn’t respond no matter what. But the minute I was left alone to drive to my next destination I caved in and picked up the message. I dont know why I did it. DO I like the attention? yes. Do I miss him ..I miss the good in him, i miss the man who adored me and who made me feel beautiful when he looked at me. And that is who I always get when I see him. He is the man I love when we are together. The minute I walk away from him , he becomes a monster that is mean, vindictive, revengeful and hurtful. And he will stop for nothing. And when it calms down the amount of damage that has been done in this short amount of time by him is irreparable. So I ask myself How can I love this monster? How do I feel so safe when Im with you yet I have never felt so unsafe when in not with you? Am I the sick one?