Category Archives: addiction

DAY 6

Today I woke up and something was different in me. I felt good. I felt really good. I could tell I was finally coming out of this meth induced fog. it was finally out of my system and I felt a new feeling. I was excited to start my day and I felt happy to be right where I am today.

I went to my Gym class today and My trainer said lets walk to the beach. So we did ! I was so excited to leave the building and walk out there to the pier. The air was so crisp and everything looked so clear for the first time in 4 years. I took every minute in and it brought me to tears. I stood on the pier and cried . I haven’t seen the beach not high in 4 years. It was amazing to feel so clear headed. I became very grateful for where I was at this moment, and I am feeling excited about staying clean and living life to its fullest. I have hope that I will become the best me.

DAY THREE

Today I started feeling emotions for the first time in 4 years. There are so many feelings going through my body that I dont know what to fucking do with them. I am overwhelmed with emotions and the tears just keep flowing. I cant sit through anything without crying. Even my god damn Yoga class made me cry. I hate feeling this much emotion. Especially when I dont know what I’m crying about. I want to go home. I miss my home and I miss my life. I have no control here. I will say that I find the classes interesting and enjoyable. I like the spiritual programs and the way they look at at addiction here. They believe its not a disease and they work on the root of the problem, which is usually some childhood trauma or something in your life that has made you want to numb your pain. I know my parents raised me well up until the divorce happened. Once the divorce happened, my life changed and my grades dropped. My self esteem died and I my soul died when they divorced. The back and fourth to each parents house was alot for me and I hated it. I felt like I was having to please both parents and I didnt want to watch them compete for me not did I want to disappoint either of them. It was so hard to try and make both of them happy with me.

Im not sure if thats is why I use today but I do know that my own divorce has affected my world and I feel like I let my own children down with the break up of my ex husband and I . I feel like my son got that short end of the stick and didn’t get to have a mom and dad that were together through his entire childhood. It wasn’t fair to him. I feel guilty for that. I struggle with a relationship with my daughter because I feel like she hates me, or she looks down on me, and I m not totally sure why. Maybe its the drug use shes mad at? Maybe I wasn’t the mom she wanted or thought I should be. I guilt trip a lot and that is something I struggle with because my mom did that to me and I hated it. So why i do it to her, I dont know. I dont want to be my mother and I feel like I have become my mother. The recent loss of my mom, my dad, and my my grandma has killed my soul. I dont get why I keep getting dealt these shitty cards in my life but I want good to come and I just want to be happy. I want to be clean, and I want to live life and be happy. I want to be happy and comfortable in my own skin. I know I need to stay here and use this opportunity to its fullest. I’m gonna give it my best shot. But its hard and its alot of work . Im more scared of going home and staying clean. That worries me the most.

DAY ONE

I decided to drive myself to Rehab today. I figured if i needed to get the hell out of there, I could make a quick escape with my car in the parking lot. Little did I know my car would be pulled in to this parking lot with locked gates and my keys would be taken away from me. When I went inside the gates, I started thinking {what in the hell was i thinking to put myself in here to get clean. The place was completely different then the website I was looking at. For luxury Rehab , it was like run down over grown bushes and not quite as pretty to say the least in person. I was disappointed with the run down look to the place.

We had to start the intake process which took about 4 hours total. First I had to pee in a cup while she watched me. I couldn’t pee with her in my face so I asked her to turn around. Then I was asked to take off my clothes for a body search. It wasn’t as bad as the jail strip search where I had to bend over and pull my ass cheeks apart. But i still had to take off my clothes so she could see if i was hiding drugs anywhere. I wonder why they don’t look in my Va Jae Jae. Woman have been know to throw a pipe and some drugs up in there. Just saying. As I took off my bra, Low and behold something falls out of my bra and on to the floor. I was like oh no! What did I leave in there. and she says, oh no what is it…. I look down and its a Jelly Bean that fell down my top while driving there.

Then i got a tour and went to my room. As i was laying on the bed My roommate came out of the bathroom and had the biggest smile on her face. She was great! I loved her right away. She loves alcohol like I love meth. So we had dinner and it was nice to have someone to make me feel a bit more comfortable on my first day. I feel like I have know her forever. She is full of love and has great energy. She is my kind of people. I think I have found a friend for life.

Mommy

My mom was my best friend. She was the only one that would have my back no matter what I said or did. She would give me her last dollar if she had to. She was my safe place. She taught me unconditional love and she gave that same love to my children. She made me laugh and she always listened to my stories with so much enthusiasm for everything I told her. We loved to shop together. This woman would go to target with me and my kids and drop 600.00 with out a blink of an eye. It was crazy and it was fun. My mom taught me many things in life that are a part of who I am. She also taught me how to be addict. She forgot tell me that there was addiction in my family and that its in my genes too. She didn’t tell me that before she drove me around to every urgent care in the city and gave me a hundred dollars to walk in and say i had pain so I could come out with a bottle of vicodin for us to share. She didn’t tell me that I was going to fight this pill for the rest of my life. She forgot to tell me I had to fight for my life everyday to stay clean because I’m am addict. What if I choose to not go in those urgent cares and what if I didn’t take the pills she handed me. Maybe my life would be different.

My mom died of Covid Last year and I’m so mad at her. She never owned up to the fact that she was an addict and that what she did with me was wrong. She was supposed to protect me as her daughter. I didn’t need a party friend , I needed a mom to show me right from wrong. I think about her now and I could accept my mom as an addict. I was not ok with that. Because I missed the mom I knew before addiction took over. But now I know my mom did the best she could do for what she was capable of doing. She was ashamed of her addiction and couldn’t own it. I dint hold resentment at her. I will cherish the good things she taught me and most if all the unditional love she gave and taught me how to give to others

My Letter To My Love named Crystal

My own Secret Lover

I wrote this about 8 years ago when I got the clean the first time . I always like to go back and read this when I need a reminder of what this drug did to my world .

I remember the day I met you. It was love at first sight. The way you looked at me through your sparkly eyes, it was a look that I had never seen before. When we touched lips, I began to feel your love for me run down my throat and through my veins until I could only feel one feeling and that was that I only wanted to feel this way with you for the rest of my life. You came into my life at a time when I needed somebody to help me get through my hardest and darkest days ever. You gave me that boost of energy to make me want to wake up in the morning. You gave me a feeling that I could not be hurt anyone or by any person in my life. You followed through with your promises. You were there when nobody else was. You were there when I would wake up and need to feel OK again. I started to depend on you more and more. I didn’t realize I could fall this deeply in love again with something. It became a scary kind of love. I need you more than you needed me. I became more lonely with you. You took my friends away. You took my family away. You took my ability to love away. You took my smile away. I thought you loved me? Why are you making me feel so cold and alone. I feel afraid yet wont stop being with you. I can’t live without you. Please, if you loved me you would not make me feel this way. I don’t want to love you anymore. I don’t want to need you in my life in order to wake up and live my day. I’m sorry but I cant love you any longer. You have ruined my life and taken my soul away. My heart hurts from being so cold for so long. I want to warm my heart again with real love. Please don’t do this to me. I know I am stronger than you are. I can make you go away forever. I will do it. I will take my heart back and I will heal myself from your poison. Your glass lips are nothing to me anymore. How could I have kissed you and thought you were going to help me and love me. I’m so sick to my stomach now. I have broken you many times and I will not do this to myself or my family ever again. Stay away from me because my strength, courage, and willingness to get healthy again will overpower your temporally love that you give me.

Good bye Crystal

Habits are Hard to break

Well, that didn’t Turn out very well. I had 7 days to try and stay clean until I go see my Therapist and Now, I only have 2 days until I meet with her. Guess I have how many days clean, none. Every morning I wake up and I say nope not doing it today. Then I say nope! I’m not going to flush the stuff down the toilet either. Such addict behavior!! Like any of this makes sense. Normal people would do the logical thing and throw it out, so they don’t get the urge to get high. Well, my head says let’s not throw it out because just knowing its near me makes me feel better. You know just in case I need it for an emergency… What in the hell kind of emergency says you better take your Meth now? I really can’t wait to stop thinking with a Meth brain which Tells me I am making perfectly great sense. And I really can’t wait to stop thinking my ass is Wonder Woman and I’m on top of my game when my ass is really hiding in the bathroom smoking her shit all day. I’m aware of all these things I’m doing and what I am not doing but I just can’t seem to stop the chaos. It’s a struggle because I love smoking meth. I love the feeling I get with it. I love the sex I love the confidence I get. (that’s the Wonder Woman in me I talk about) I love that it numbs my entire soul, therefore i don’t need to feel anything. I can just slide through my days without feeling them. No problems, no happiness when happy things happen, and no sadness when someone dies. The sad thing is that I know I really want to feel again, I just don’t what they even feel like. It has been way to long. My body is in overload wanting to let these feelings out. I can only imagine how emotional that is going to be when they come out. Now that I have spilled the beans and told my therapist I need help there is no turning back. If I’m honest, I am already feeling sad because I will miss it. I got used to who I became while I was high. I forgot Who I am not high. But I know it was taking me down slowly and consistently after every single day for the past four years. It’s time to do the work and go reintroduce myself.

The Day Before Day One

I did it. I made the call to my health insurance and asked for help. I actually did it. It took me four years to pick the phone up and ask for help. I know I can do this. I have done it before, But when you go back into a familiar hole, you always go deeper and it is so much harder to make your way out, Especially when you realize your not quite as young anymore, Its much harder to crawl out of a hole when your 50. It also feels so embarrassing at my age to be trying to grow up finally and put my big girl panties on . So I spoke to a woman who will be my new therapist that I will talk to every week. She would like me to go to 30 day treatment Center to life there. Now I was excited to do this until she said 30 days somewhere. Hearing her tell me she thinks i need to do 30 days elsewhere, makes it hard for me to breath. So the plan will be when i come to my appointment with her next week she said If I am “clean” than we will intergrade me into the Intensive Outpatient Program like we discussed . If I am not clean , than we need to discuss the scary word, “30 day Rehab.” So now I have 7 days that I have to try and get clean before I see her. Lets see how that goes. I cant breathe already. But then again I know I can do this. The issue I have is that I am more afraid of being in my own skin because I have been numb for 4 years. So “Thawing out” is going to be the hardest part. I just need to get used to the real Me. I have been the other me for so long. The other me thinks she is productive yet she literally is going in circles all day long getting nothing done. She forgets everything and she is late to every event she attends. She truly thinks she is Wonder Woman and is doing her life perfectly. Little does she know she is lost in her own little world and believes her own lies. Wish me Luck……