Habits are Hard to break

Well, that didn’t Turn out very well. I had 7 days to try and stay clean until I go see my Therapist and Now, I only have 2 days until I meet with her. Guess I have how many days clean, none. Every morning I wake up and I say nope not doing it today. Then I say nope! I’m not going to flush the stuff down the toilet either. Such addict behavior!! Like any of this makes sense. Normal people would do the logical thing and throw it out, so they don’t get the urge to get high. Well, my head says let’s not throw it out because just knowing its near me makes me feel better. You know just in case I need it for an emergency… What in the hell kind of emergency says you better take your Meth now? I really can’t wait to stop thinking with a Meth brain which Tells me I am making perfectly great sense. And I really can’t wait to stop thinking my ass is Wonder Woman and I’m on top of my game when my ass is really hiding in the bathroom smoking her shit all day. I’m aware of all these things I’m doing and what I am not doing but I just can’t seem to stop the chaos. It’s a struggle because I love smoking meth. I love the feeling I get with it. I love the sex I love the confidence I get. (that’s the Wonder Woman in me I talk about) I love that it numbs my entire soul, therefore i don’t need to feel anything. I can just slide through my days without feeling them. No problems, no happiness when happy things happen, and no sadness when someone dies. The sad thing is that I know I really want to feel again, I just don’t what they even feel like. It has been way to long. My body is in overload wanting to let these feelings out. I can only imagine how emotional that is going to be when they come out. Now that I have spilled the beans and told my therapist I need help there is no turning back. If I’m honest, I am already feeling sad because I will miss it. I got used to who I became while I was high. I forgot Who I am not high. But I know it was taking me down slowly and consistently after every single day for the past four years. It’s time to do the work and go reintroduce myself.

The Day Before Day One

I did it. I made the call to my health insurance and asked for help. I actually did it. It took me four years to pick the phone up and ask for help. I know I can do this. I have done it before, But when you go back into a familiar hole, you always go deeper and it is so much harder to make your way out, Especially when you realize your not quite as young anymore, Its much harder to crawl out of a hole when your 50. It also feels so embarrassing at my age to be trying to grow up finally and put my big girl panties on . So I spoke to a woman who will be my new therapist that I will talk to every week. She would like me to go to 30 day treatment Center to life there. Now I was excited to do this until she said 30 days somewhere. Hearing her tell me she thinks i need to do 30 days elsewhere, makes it hard for me to breath. So the plan will be when i come to my appointment with her next week she said If I am “clean” than we will intergrade me into the Intensive Outpatient Program like we discussed . If I am not clean , than we need to discuss the scary word, “30 day Rehab.” So now I have 7 days that I have to try and get clean before I see her. Lets see how that goes. I cant breathe already. But then again I know I can do this. The issue I have is that I am more afraid of being in my own skin because I have been numb for 4 years. So “Thawing out” is going to be the hardest part. I just need to get used to the real Me. I have been the other me for so long. The other me thinks she is productive yet she literally is going in circles all day long getting nothing done. She forgets everything and she is late to every event she attends. She truly thinks she is Wonder Woman and is doing her life perfectly. Little does she know she is lost in her own little world and believes her own lies. Wish me Luck……