The Day Before Day One

I did it. I made the call to my health insurance and asked for help. I actually did it. It took me four years to pick the phone up and ask for help. I know I can do this. I have done it before, But when you go back into a familiar hole, you always go deeper and it is so much harder to make your way out, Especially when you realize your not quite as young anymore, Its much harder to crawl out of a hole when your 50. It also feels so embarrassing at my age to be trying to grow up finally and put my big girl panties on . So I spoke to a woman who will be my new therapist that I will talk to every week. She would like me to go to 30 day treatment Center to life there. Now I was excited to do this until she said 30 days somewhere. Hearing her tell me she thinks i need to do 30 days elsewhere, makes it hard for me to breath. So the plan will be when i come to my appointment with her next week she said If I am “clean” than we will intergrade me into the Intensive Outpatient Program like we discussed . If I am not clean , than we need to discuss the scary word, “30 day Rehab.” So now I have 7 days that I have to try and get clean before I see her. Lets see how that goes. I cant breathe already. But then again I know I can do this. The issue I have is that I am more afraid of being in my own skin because I have been numb for 4 years. So “Thawing out” is going to be the hardest part. I just need to get used to the real Me. I have been the other me for so long. The other me thinks she is productive yet she literally is going in circles all day long getting nothing done. She forgets everything and she is late to every event she attends. She truly thinks she is Wonder Woman and is doing her life perfectly. Little does she know she is lost in her own little world and believes her own lies. Wish me Luck……

Goodbye to you and Goodbye to my Drug

I have to let you both go. If I’m honest with myself I hate you both. I hate what you both have done to me. I want you both out of my life forever. You have caused me pain and heartache. I’m in rehab because you kept me high even when I asked you not to give me anymore. You liked me high and I allowed you to stay in my life for too long because I was afraid of what you would do when I made you go away. You both say you love me but you destroy my world when I end it and when i think of love its when that person wants you to be happy with or without you. And you both don’t wish that for me at all. At this moment I look at my life and what you both have done to me and I question myself and why in the fuck do I keep you in my life after putting me in jail, threatening my kids, telling them I am on drugs, purposely trying to hurt my children and myself. You both mind fuck me and Im fucking tired of it. I’m tired of sitting back and watching you destroy my world right in front of my eyes and I do nothing about it. I’m done with your emotionally fucking me and making me feel like whore, and an object, Im done with your abusive words and Im done with your threats. Im taking charge now. Im in control of me now. Your no longer in control . you will no longer hurt me nor will you dictate who i see and who I talk to and what I do. Im taking control of my world now . you will not destroy my world anymore. Its over and I fucking hate you both for wasting my precious time. I have learned life is to short to waste it.

DAY 6

Today I woke up and something was different in me. I felt good. I felt really good. I could tell I was finally coming out of this meth induced fog. it was finally out of my system and I felt a new feeling. I was excited to start my day and I felt happy to be right where I am today.

I went to my Gym class today and My trainer said lets walk to the beach. So we did ! I was so excited to leave the building and walk out there to the pier. The air was so crisp and everything looked so clear for the first time in 4 years. I took every minute in and it brought me to tears. I stood on the pier and cried . I haven’t seen the beach not high in 4 years. It was amazing to feel so clear headed. I became very grateful for where I was at this moment, and I am feeling excited about staying clean and living life to its fullest. I have hope that I will become the best me.

DAY THREE

Today I started feeling emotions for the first time in 4 years. There are so many feelings going through my body that I dont know what to fucking do with them. I am overwhelmed with emotions and the tears just keep flowing. I cant sit through anything without crying. Even my god damn Yoga class made me cry. I hate feeling this much emotion. Especially when I dont know what I’m crying about. I want to go home. I miss my home and I miss my life. I have no control here. I will say that I find the classes interesting and enjoyable. I like the spiritual programs and the way they look at at addiction here. They believe its not a disease and they work on the root of the problem, which is usually some childhood trauma or something in your life that has made you want to numb your pain. I know my parents raised me well up until the divorce happened. Once the divorce happened, my life changed and my grades dropped. My self esteem died and I my soul died when they divorced. The back and fourth to each parents house was alot for me and I hated it. I felt like I was having to please both parents and I didnt want to watch them compete for me not did I want to disappoint either of them. It was so hard to try and make both of them happy with me.

Im not sure if thats is why I use today but I do know that my own divorce has affected my world and I feel like I let my own children down with the break up of my ex husband and I . I feel like my son got that short end of the stick and didn’t get to have a mom and dad that were together through his entire childhood. It wasn’t fair to him. I feel guilty for that. I struggle with a relationship with my daughter because I feel like she hates me, or she looks down on me, and I m not totally sure why. Maybe its the drug use shes mad at? Maybe I wasn’t the mom she wanted or thought I should be. I guilt trip a lot and that is something I struggle with because my mom did that to me and I hated it. So why i do it to her, I dont know. I dont want to be my mother and I feel like I have become my mother. The recent loss of my mom, my dad, and my my grandma has killed my soul. I dont get why I keep getting dealt these shitty cards in my life but I want good to come and I just want to be happy. I want to be clean, and I want to live life and be happy. I want to be happy and comfortable in my own skin. I know I need to stay here and use this opportunity to its fullest. I’m gonna give it my best shot. But its hard and its alot of work . Im more scared of going home and staying clean. That worries me the most.

DAY ONE

I decided to drive myself to Rehab today. I figured if i needed to get the hell out of there, I could make a quick escape with my car in the parking lot. Little did I know my car would be pulled in to this parking lot with locked gates and my keys would be taken away from me. When I went inside the gates, I started thinking {what in the hell was i thinking to put myself in here to get clean. The place was completely different then the website I was looking at. For luxury Rehab , it was like run down over grown bushes and not quite as pretty to say the least in person. I was disappointed with the run down look to the place.

We had to start the intake process which took about 4 hours total. First I had to pee in a cup while she watched me. I couldn’t pee with her in my face so I asked her to turn around. Then I was asked to take off my clothes for a body search. It wasn’t as bad as the jail strip search where I had to bend over and pull my ass cheeks apart. But i still had to take off my clothes so she could see if i was hiding drugs anywhere. I wonder why they don’t look in my Va Jae Jae. Woman have been know to throw a pipe and some drugs up in there. Just saying. As I took off my bra, Low and behold something falls out of my bra and on to the floor. I was like oh no! What did I leave in there. and she says, oh no what is it…. I look down and its a Jelly Bean that fell down my top while driving there.

Then i got a tour and went to my room. As i was laying on the bed My roommate came out of the bathroom and had the biggest smile on her face. She was great! I loved her right away. She loves alcohol like I love meth. So we had dinner and it was nice to have someone to make me feel a bit more comfortable on my first day. I feel like I have know her forever. She is full of love and has great energy. She is my kind of people. I think I have found a friend for life.

The Monster

I left my Home because I was running from you. Your the man who put me in jail, your the man who set me up with the police when it was all a lie, your the man who broke into my home, bleached all my clothes , ruined all my belongings, Your The man who robbed me and took my computer’s, and stole money from my accounts. The man who got me fired from my job, and who told my kids lies just to get them to hate me. You are The man who refused to leave me alone and would not stop for nothing. I could not take it anymore and could not bare to watch you destroy what was left of my world . So I packed my bags and jumped in my car to get as far as I could from you. The words you attack me with, to get my attention, are so powerful and damaging to my soul every single time. it breaks my heart to think you are capable of saying such horrible things to me and have no remorse for saying them.

You have made it so easy for me to hate you. You have put me in a position where I cant love you anymore. I try and try to convince myself that the things you have done are in the past and I can move on from them. But the Truth is Im not so sure I can.. I will find a way to forgive you, but damage like this in any relationship will forever be damaged. I now know what you are capable of when your angry. Your way of handling things is with Rage, Revenge, and causing direct pain to that person, Even if its to the ones you love the most. So for me to know you could do these things with a blink of an eye is enough for me to stay away forever. You cant be my future. My future does not foresee ugliness like this.

It took me 3 years for me to find the monster in you. To think I had no idea you could become this way. Never in a million years did I think you would have me put in jail just to save your own ass from being put in jail. Nor did I think you would make up some crazy story about me to the police and try yet again to have me arrested. You are just a very damaged man and you dont know any other way but to put your defenses up and become the Monster inside of you. I know you say you love me , but love does not threaten, or insult, or plan to destroy ones life if she leaves him. When I am with you , you treat me like a Queen. Like no other man ever has. When you leave my site, you treat me worse than any woman should ever be treated. I hate that you have done this. The damage is done and I know I respect myself more than this . Why do I keep letting you in . Maybe I’m scared to deal with what you will do next. Maybe I love you still, Maybe I will miss the good in you. Whatever it is , I know I have to say goodbye and let you go. I need you to let me go too. This isn’t healthy for you nor myself any longer. I only wish you happiness even after all that you have done to hurt me. I will not discount that I have hurt you too and I am so very sorry for my part in your pain. But you think this is love and I think cant be love. True Love only wishes happiness to a person when they are with or without that person in life. And I will always love you with or without you. Please let me go.

Mommy

My mom was my best friend. She was the only one that would have my back no matter what I said or did. She would give me her last dollar if she had to. She was my safe place. She taught me unconditional love and she gave that same love to my children. She made me laugh and she always listened to my stories with so much enthusiasm for everything I told her. We loved to shop together. This woman would go to target with me and my kids and drop 600.00 with out a blink of an eye. It was crazy and it was fun. My mom taught me many things in life that are a part of who I am. She also taught me how to be addict. She forgot tell me that there was addiction in my family and that its in my genes too. She didn’t tell me that before she drove me around to every urgent care in the city and gave me a hundred dollars to walk in and say i had pain so I could come out with a bottle of vicodin for us to share. She didn’t tell me that I was going to fight this pill for the rest of my life. She forgot to tell me I had to fight for my life everyday to stay clean because I’m am addict. What if I choose to not go in those urgent cares and what if I didn’t take the pills she handed me. Maybe my life would be different.

My mom died of Covid Last year and I’m so mad at her. She never owned up to the fact that she was an addict and that what she did with me was wrong. She was supposed to protect me as her daughter. I didn’t need a party friend , I needed a mom to show me right from wrong. I think about her now and I could accept my mom as an addict. I was not ok with that. Because I missed the mom I knew before addiction took over. But now I know my mom did the best she could do for what she was capable of doing. She was ashamed of her addiction and couldn’t own it. I dint hold resentment at her. I will cherish the good things she taught me and most if all the unditional love she gave and taught me how to give to others

Poor Choices

Am I the Sick one?

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These are the types of choices I make when Im using. In my head , I really believe Im making logical choices. Meth is Evil and it tricks your mind , body, and soul, These are the types of relationships I choose to be in when Im, using.

I left my Home because I was running from you. You’re the man who put me in jail, who set me up with the police when it was all a lie, you, the man who broke in my home, bleached all my clothes , and ruined all my belongings, The man who robbed me and took my computer’s, stole money from my accounts. The man who got me fired from my job, who told my kids lies just to get them to hate me. The man who refused to leave me alone and would not stop for nothing. I could not take it anymore and could not bare to watch you destroy what was left of my world . So I packed my bags and jumped in my car to get as far as I could from you trying to reach out and get to me. Its so hard not to reply to your messages or emails. The things you say to me just to get my attention are so powerful and damaging to my soul that each time I read a email from you, it damages my heart and soul piece by piece. You have made it so easy for me to hate you .

Tonight I sit here and Wonder how did I get so far away from home to run from you and here I sit in a hotel room with you laying next to me in my bed? Am I the sick one? Why would I allow you near me again after everything you have done to me? Why? Do I just have no respect for myself at all that I would let you just come back and keep abusing me? I started out really well. I spent the first 15 days alone and just with me and my thoughts. And as much as I hate being alone , I actually enjoyed my time by myself.

I caved in and after not replying to you for 15 days and it was a long 15 days of you harassing me all day long via any way, he could get my attention I didn’t respond no matter what. But the minute I was left alone to drive to my next destination I caved in and picked up the message. I dont know why I did it. DO I like the attention? yes. Do I miss him ..I miss the good in him, i miss the man who adored me and who made me feel beautiful when he looked at me. And that is who I always get when I see him. He is the man I love when we are together. The minute I walk away from him , he becomes a monster that is mean, vindictive, revengeful and hurtful. And he will stop for nothing. And when it calms down the amount of damage that has been done in this short amount of time by him is irreparable. So I ask myself How can I love this monster? How do I feel so safe when Im with you yet I have never felt so unsafe when in not with you? Am I the sick one?

Loosing Your Family…..To COVID

I lost my dad , my mom, and my Grandma last year to covid. I lost them in a 3 week time span, It was so unexpected and it all happened so fast that it just didn’t feel real. I had no feelings when they died. It was such a strange feeling to loose both of my parents at once. The Loss I felt inside of me was so overwhelming. When I went to see my mom at the hospital to take her of life support on my birthday, I stood over her body and looked at her for the longest time. I kept thinking she was going to open her eyes and wake up. Her skin looked so good .She didn’t look like someone who was about to die. She looked like she was taking a nap. I waited there at her bedside, surrounded by fifty other COVID patients on life support waiting to die, and I just didn’t understand how she was not going to ever wake up again. She cant die. She’s my mom. and my mom is not supposed to die and leave me alone. The last time I spoke to her she was giving me this guilt trip about not seeing my grandma enough and that she was dying and I should have went to see her more. I got mad at her and hung up the phone on her. She called back but I didn’t want to talk to her because I was mad. So I let the phone ring and didn’t pick up. I hated the guilt trips she would give me . My mom would give you the shirt on her back and nothing but unconditional Love, But you can better belive she will come back to you someday and throw that guilt trip out and make you feel horrible. My Grandma died 2 days before my mom died and the only good thing that I can try to look at this was that neither my mom or my grandma had to see each other die. They didn’t know eachother died because after my grandma died My mom was in the hospital getting more sick very rapidly so I decided it was not a good idea to tell her. My mom was an addict too. THere were alot of things I didn’t get a chance to tell my mom and It makes me angry because although she was my best friend, she also was the person that helped get me hooked on Vicodins. When I was 19 My mom would make me go the urgent cares in town and she would give me cash and tell me to tell them I had back pain and then they would give me a bottle of vicodin. She took me around to each urgent care and then once I got the bottle she would share them with me. During that time I didn’t think much of it but later on in life when I had to get help to get clean the first time I had to work so hard to get off those dame pills and I still have to work hard everyday to tell myself to not take any pills. And Im mad that Im an addict. I am mad at my mom for this. She was supposed to protect me, not party with me. Our entire relationship became based on pills and getting high together. Yes we had some fun times, but I wanted a mom more that a party cool mom. I didn’t want the mom who stole my cocaine on my prom night from me and my friends, or the the mom who made out with one of my friends once at my party. I didn’t want the mom who went out every weekend and brought home a different guy every Saturday night to our house. I didn’t want the mom who made me feel like I was her mom my entire teenage life. I wanted her to know how it affected my life with her poor choices. I wanted her to own the things she did wrong and admit she was an addict. But she never did and now she’s gone. I’m made she left me here alone. My dad too. I have yet to grief for the loss of all three of them and I am just starting that process. Smoking Meth will rob you of your feelings so you dont have to feel emotions. You think its fine in that moment but I am just now today after their death a year ago , learning how to feel the fact that they are gone now and I have to find a way to reif them and let it go so i can move on. I am having to do twice the grieving it feels like now that I held it in this long,

My Letter To My Love named Crystal

My own Secret Lover

I wrote this about 8 years ago when I got the clean the first time . I always like to go back and read this when I need a reminder of what this drug did to my world .

I remember the day I met you. It was love at first sight. The way you looked at me through your sparkly eyes, it was a look that I had never seen before. When we touched lips, I began to feel your love for me run down my throat and through my veins until I could only feel one feeling and that was that I only wanted to feel this way with you for the rest of my life. You came into my life at a time when I needed somebody to help me get through my hardest and darkest days ever. You gave me that boost of energy to make me want to wake up in the morning. You gave me a feeling that I could not be hurt anyone or by any person in my life. You followed through with your promises. You were there when nobody else was. You were there when I would wake up and need to feel OK again. I started to depend on you more and more. I didn’t realize I could fall this deeply in love again with something. It became a scary kind of love. I need you more than you needed me. I became more lonely with you. You took my friends away. You took my family away. You took my ability to love away. You took my smile away. I thought you loved me? Why are you making me feel so cold and alone. I feel afraid yet wont stop being with you. I can’t live without you. Please, if you loved me you would not make me feel this way. I don’t want to love you anymore. I don’t want to need you in my life in order to wake up and live my day. I’m sorry but I cant love you any longer. You have ruined my life and taken my soul away. My heart hurts from being so cold for so long. I want to warm my heart again with real love. Please don’t do this to me. I know I am stronger than you are. I can make you go away forever. I will do it. I will take my heart back and I will heal myself from your poison. Your glass lips are nothing to me anymore. How could I have kissed you and thought you were going to help me and love me. I’m so sick to my stomach now. I have broken you many times and I will not do this to myself or my family ever again. Stay away from me because my strength, courage, and willingness to get healthy again will overpower your temporally love that you give me.

Good bye Crystal