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  • The Day Before Day One

    I did it. I made the call to my health insurance and asked for help. I actually did it. It took me four years to pick the phone up and ask for help. I know I can do this. I have done it before, But when you go back into a familiar hole, you always go deeper and it is so much harder to make your way out, Especially when you realize your not quite as young anymore, Its much harder to crawl out of a hole when your 50. It also feels so embarrassing at my age to be trying to grow up finally and put my big girl panties on . So I spoke to a woman who will be my new therapist that I will talk to every week. She would like me to go to 30 day treatment Center to life there. Now I was excited to do this until she said 30 days somewhere. Hearing her tell me she thinks i need to do 30 days elsewhere, makes it hard for me to breath. So the plan will be when i come to my appointment with her next week she said If I am “clean” than we will intergrade me into the Intensive Outpatient Program like we discussed . If I am not clean , than we need to discuss the scary word, “30 day Rehab.” So now I have 7 days that I have to try and get clean before I see her. Lets see how that goes. I cant breathe already. But then again I know I can do this. The issue I have is that I am more afraid of being in my own skin because I have been numb for 4 years. So “Thawing out” is going to be the hardest part. I just need to get used to the real Me. I have been the other me for so long. The other me thinks she is productive yet she literally is going in circles all day long getting nothing done. She forgets everything and she is late to every event she attends. She truly thinks she is Wonder Woman and is doing her life perfectly. Little does she know she is lost in her own little world and believes her own lies. Wish me Luck……



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    Mommy

    Mommy

    My mom was my best friend. She was the only one that would have my back no matter what I said or did. She would give me her last dollar if she had to. She was my safe place. She taught me unconditional love and she gave that same love to my children. She made me laugh and she always listened to my stories with so much enthusiasm for everything I told her. We loved to shop together. This woman would go to target with me and my kids and drop 600.00 with out a blink of an eye. It was crazy and it was fun. My mom taught me many things in life that are a part of who I am. She also taught me how to be addict. She forgot tell me that there was addiction in my family and that its in my genes too. She didn’t tell me that before she drove me around to every urgent care in the city and gave me a hundred dollars to walk in and say i had pain so I could come out with a bottle of vicodin for us to share. She didn’t tell me that I was going to fight this pill for the rest of my life. She forgot to tell me I had to fight for my life everyday to stay clean because I’m am addict. What if I choose to not go in those urgent cares and what if I didn’t take the pills she handed me. Maybe my life would be different.

    My mom died of Covid Last year and I’m so mad at her. She never owned up to the fact that she was an addict and that what she did with me was wrong. She was supposed to protect me as her daughter. I didn’t need a party friend , I needed a mom to show me right from wrong. I think about her now and I could accept my mom as an addict. I was not ok with that. Because I missed the mom I knew before addiction took over. But now I know my mom did the best she could do for what she was capable of doing. She was ashamed of her addiction and couldn’t own it. I dint hold resentment at her. I will cherish the good things she taught me and most if all the unditional love she gave and taught me how to give to others


  • Poor Choices

    Am I the Sick one?

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    These are the types of choices I make when Im using. In my head , I really believe Im making logical choices. Meth is Evil and it tricks your mind , body, and soul, These are the types of relationships I choose to be in when Im, using.

    I left my Home because I was running from you. You’re the man who put me in jail, who set me up with the police when it was all a lie, you, the man who broke in my home, bleached all my clothes , and ruined all my belongings, The man who robbed me and took my computer’s, stole money from my accounts. The man who got me fired from my job, who told my kids lies just to get them to hate me. The man who refused to leave me alone and would not stop for nothing. I could not take it anymore and could not bare to watch you destroy what was left of my world . So I packed my bags and jumped in my car to get as far as I could from you trying to reach out and get to me. Its so hard not to reply to your messages or emails. The things you say to me just to get my attention are so powerful and damaging to my soul that each time I read a email from you, it damages my heart and soul piece by piece. You have made it so easy for me to hate you .

    Tonight I sit here and Wonder how did I get so far away from home to run from you and here I sit in a hotel room with you laying next to me in my bed? Am I the sick one? Why would I allow you near me again after everything you have done to me? Why? Do I just have no respect for myself at all that I would let you just come back and keep abusing me? I started out really well. I spent the first 15 days alone and just with me and my thoughts. And as much as I hate being alone , I actually enjoyed my time by myself.

    I caved in and after not replying to you for 15 days and it was a long 15 days of you harassing me all day long via any way, he could get my attention I didn’t respond no matter what. But the minute I was left alone to drive to my next destination I caved in and picked up the message. I dont know why I did it. DO I like the attention? yes. Do I miss him ..I miss the good in him, i miss the man who adored me and who made me feel beautiful when he looked at me. And that is who I always get when I see him. He is the man I love when we are together. The minute I walk away from him , he becomes a monster that is mean, vindictive, revengeful and hurtful. And he will stop for nothing. And when it calms down the amount of damage that has been done in this short amount of time by him is irreparable. So I ask myself How can I love this monster? How do I feel so safe when Im with you yet I have never felt so unsafe when in not with you? Am I the sick one?


  • Loosing Your Family…..To COVID

    I lost my dad , my mom, and my Grandma last year to covid. I lost them in a 3 week time span, It was so unexpected and it all happened so fast that it just didn’t feel real. I had no feelings when they died. It was such a strange feeling to loose both of my parents at once. The Loss I felt inside of me was so overwhelming. When I went to see my mom at the hospital to take her of life support on my birthday, I stood over her body and looked at her for the longest time. I kept thinking she was going to open her eyes and wake up. Her skin looked so good .She didn’t look like someone who was about to die. She looked like she was taking a nap. I waited there at her bedside, surrounded by fifty other COVID patients on life support waiting to die, and I just didn’t understand how she was not going to ever wake up again. She cant die. She’s my mom. and my mom is not supposed to die and leave me alone. The last time I spoke to her she was giving me this guilt trip about not seeing my grandma enough and that she was dying and I should have went to see her more. I got mad at her and hung up the phone on her. She called back but I didn’t want to talk to her because I was mad. So I let the phone ring and didn’t pick up. I hated the guilt trips she would give me . My mom would give you the shirt on her back and nothing but unconditional Love, But you can better belive she will come back to you someday and throw that guilt trip out and make you feel horrible. My Grandma died 2 days before my mom died and the only good thing that I can try to look at this was that neither my mom or my grandma had to see each other die. They didn’t know eachother died because after my grandma died My mom was in the hospital getting more sick very rapidly so I decided it was not a good idea to tell her. My mom was an addict too. THere were alot of things I didn’t get a chance to tell my mom and It makes me angry because although she was my best friend, she also was the person that helped get me hooked on Vicodins. When I was 19 My mom would make me go the urgent cares in town and she would give me cash and tell me to tell them I had back pain and then they would give me a bottle of vicodin. She took me around to each urgent care and then once I got the bottle she would share them with me. During that time I didn’t think much of it but later on in life when I had to get help to get clean the first time I had to work so hard to get off those dame pills and I still have to work hard everyday to tell myself to not take any pills. And Im mad that Im an addict. I am mad at my mom for this. She was supposed to protect me, not party with me. Our entire relationship became based on pills and getting high together. Yes we had some fun times, but I wanted a mom more that a party cool mom. I didn’t want the mom who stole my cocaine on my prom night from me and my friends, or the the mom who made out with one of my friends once at my party. I didn’t want the mom who went out every weekend and brought home a different guy every Saturday night to our house. I didn’t want the mom who made me feel like I was her mom my entire teenage life. I wanted her to know how it affected my life with her poor choices. I wanted her to own the things she did wrong and admit she was an addict. But she never did and now she’s gone. I’m made she left me here alone. My dad too. I have yet to grief for the loss of all three of them and I am just starting that process. Smoking Meth will rob you of your feelings so you dont have to feel emotions. You think its fine in that moment but I am just now today after their death a year ago , learning how to feel the fact that they are gone now and I have to find a way to reif them and let it go so i can move on. I am having to do twice the grieving it feels like now that I held it in this long,


  • My Letter To My Love named Crystal

    My own Secret Lover

    I wrote this about 8 years ago when I got the clean the first time . I always like to go back and read this when I need a reminder of what this drug did to my world .

    I remember the day I met you. It was love at first sight. The way you looked at me through your sparkly eyes, it was a look that I had never seen before. When we touched lips, I began to feel your love for me run down my throat and through my veins until I could only feel one feeling and that was that I only wanted to feel this way with you for the rest of my life. You came into my life at a time when I needed somebody to help me get through my hardest and darkest days ever. You gave me that boost of energy to make me want to wake up in the morning. You gave me a feeling that I could not be hurt anyone or by any person in my life. You followed through with your promises. You were there when nobody else was. You were there when I would wake up and need to feel OK again. I started to depend on you more and more. I didn’t realize I could fall this deeply in love again with something. It became a scary kind of love. I need you more than you needed me. I became more lonely with you. You took my friends away. You took my family away. You took my ability to love away. You took my smile away. I thought you loved me? Why are you making me feel so cold and alone. I feel afraid yet wont stop being with you. I can’t live without you. Please, if you loved me you would not make me feel this way. I don’t want to love you anymore. I don’t want to need you in my life in order to wake up and live my day. I’m sorry but I cant love you any longer. You have ruined my life and taken my soul away. My heart hurts from being so cold for so long. I want to warm my heart again with real love. Please don’t do this to me. I know I am stronger than you are. I can make you go away forever. I will do it. I will take my heart back and I will heal myself from your poison. Your glass lips are nothing to me anymore. How could I have kissed you and thought you were going to help me and love me. I’m so sick to my stomach now. I have broken you many times and I will not do this to myself or my family ever again. Stay away from me because my strength, courage, and willingness to get healthy again will overpower your temporally love that you give me.

    Good bye Crystal


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The sky is not completely dark at night. Were the sky absolutely dark, one would not be able to see the silhouette of an object against the sky.

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