• The Day Before Day One

    I did it. I made the call to my health insurance and asked for help. I actually did it. It took me four years to pick the phone up and ask for help. I know I can do this. I have done it before, But when you go back into a familiar hole, you always go deeper and it is so much harder to make your way out, Especially when you realize your not quite as young anymore, Its much harder to crawl out of a hole when your 50. It also feels so embarrassing at my age to be trying to grow up finally and put my big girl panties on . So I spoke to a woman who will be my new therapist that I will talk to every week. She would like me to go to 30 day treatment Center to life there. Now I was excited to do this until she said 30 days somewhere. Hearing her tell me she thinks i need to do 30 days elsewhere, makes it hard for me to breath. So the plan will be when i come to my appointment with her next week she said If I am “clean” than we will intergrade me into the Intensive Outpatient Program like we discussed . If I am not clean , than we need to discuss the scary word, “30 day Rehab.” So now I have 7 days that I have to try and get clean before I see her. Lets see how that goes. I cant breathe already. But then again I know I can do this. The issue I have is that I am more afraid of being in my own skin because I have been numb for 4 years. So “Thawing out” is going to be the hardest part. I just need to get used to the real Me. I have been the other me for so long. The other me thinks she is productive yet she literally is going in circles all day long getting nothing done. She forgets everything and she is late to every event she attends. She truly thinks she is Wonder Woman and is doing her life perfectly. Little does she know she is lost in her own little world and believes her own lies. Wish me Luck……

  • Goodbye to you and Goodbye to my Drug

    I have to let you both go. If I’m honest with myself I hate you both. I hate what you both have done to me. I want you both out of my life forever. You have caused me pain and heartache. I’m in rehab because you kept me high even when I asked you not to give me anymore. You liked me high and I allowed you to stay in my life for too long because I was afraid of what you would do when I made you go away. You both say you love me but you destroy my world when I end it and when i think of love its when that person wants you to be happy with or without you. And you both don’t wish that for me at all. At this moment I look at my life and what you both have done to me and I question myself and why in the fuck do I keep you in my life after putting me in jail, threatening my kids, telling them I am on drugs, purposely trying to hurt my children and myself. You both mind fuck me and Im fucking tired of it. I’m tired of sitting back and watching you destroy my world right in front of my eyes and I do nothing about it. I’m done with your emotionally fucking me and making me feel like whore, and an object, Im done with your abusive words and Im done with your threats. Im taking charge now. Im in control of me now. Your no longer in control . you will no longer hurt me nor will you dictate who i see and who I talk to and what I do. Im taking control of my world now . you will not destroy my world anymore. Its over and I fucking hate you both for wasting my precious time. I have learned life is to short to waste it.

  • DAY 6

    DAY 6

    Today I woke up and something was different in me. I felt good. I felt really good. I could tell I was finally coming out of this meth induced fog. it was finally out of my system and I felt a new feeling. I was excited to start my day and I felt happy to be right where I am today.

    I went to my Gym class today and My trainer said lets walk to the beach. So we did ! I was so excited to leave the building and walk out there to the pier. The air was so crisp and everything looked so clear for the first time in 4 years. I took every minute in and it brought me to tears. I stood on the pier and cried . I haven’t seen the beach not high in 4 years. It was amazing to feel so clear headed. I became very grateful for where I was at this moment, and I am feeling excited about staying clean and living life to its fullest. I have hope that I will become the best me.


    Today I started feeling emotions for the first time in 4 years. There are so many feelings going through my body that I dont know what to fucking do with them. I am overwhelmed with emotions and the tears just keep flowing. I cant sit through anything without crying. Even my god damn Yoga class made me cry. I hate feeling this much emotion. Especially when I dont know what I’m crying about. I want to go home. I miss my home and I miss my life. I have no control here. I will say that I find the classes interesting and enjoyable. I like the spiritual programs and the way they look at at addiction here. They believe its not a disease and they work on the root of the problem, which is usually some childhood trauma or something in your life that has made you want to numb your pain. I know my parents raised me well up until the divorce happened. Once the divorce happened, my life changed and my grades dropped. My self esteem died and I my soul died when they divorced. The back and fourth to each parents house was alot for me and I hated it. I felt like I was having to please both parents and I didnt want to watch them compete for me not did I want to disappoint either of them. It was so hard to try and make both of them happy with me.

    Im not sure if thats is why I use today but I do know that my own divorce has affected my world and I feel like I let my own children down with the break up of my ex husband and I . I feel like my son got that short end of the stick and didn’t get to have a mom and dad that were together through his entire childhood. It wasn’t fair to him. I feel guilty for that. I struggle with a relationship with my daughter because I feel like she hates me, or she looks down on me, and I m not totally sure why. Maybe its the drug use shes mad at? Maybe I wasn’t the mom she wanted or thought I should be. I guilt trip a lot and that is something I struggle with because my mom did that to me and I hated it. So why i do it to her, I dont know. I dont want to be my mother and I feel like I have become my mother. The recent loss of my mom, my dad, and my my grandma has killed my soul. I dont get why I keep getting dealt these shitty cards in my life but I want good to come and I just want to be happy. I want to be clean, and I want to live life and be happy. I want to be happy and comfortable in my own skin. I know I need to stay here and use this opportunity to its fullest. I’m gonna give it my best shot. But its hard and its alot of work . Im more scared of going home and staying clean. That worries me the most.



    I decided to drive myself to Rehab today. I figured if i needed to get the hell out of there, I could make a quick escape with my car in the parking lot. Little did I know my car would be pulled in to this parking lot with locked gates and my keys would be taken away from me. When I went inside the gates, I started thinking {what in the hell was i thinking to put myself in here to get clean. The place was completely different then the website I was looking at. For luxury Rehab , it was like run down over grown bushes and not quite as pretty to say the least in person. I was disappointed with the run down look to the place.

    We had to start the intake process which took about 4 hours total. First I had to pee in a cup while she watched me. I couldn’t pee with her in my face so I asked her to turn around. Then I was asked to take off my clothes for a body search. It wasn’t as bad as the jail strip search where I had to bend over and pull my ass cheeks apart. But i still had to take off my clothes so she could see if i was hiding drugs anywhere. I wonder why they don’t look in my Va Jae Jae. Woman have been know to throw a pipe and some drugs up in there. Just saying. As I took off my bra, Low and behold something falls out of my bra and on to the floor. I was like oh no! What did I leave in there. and she says, oh no what is it…. I look down and its a Jelly Bean that fell down my top while driving there.

    Then i got a tour and went to my room. As i was laying on the bed My roommate came out of the bathroom and had the biggest smile on her face. She was great! I loved her right away. She loves alcohol like I love meth. So we had dinner and it was nice to have someone to make me feel a bit more comfortable on my first day. I feel like I have know her forever. She is full of love and has great energy. She is my kind of people. I think I have found a friend for life.

  • The Monster

    I left my Home because I was running from you. Your the man who put me in jail, your the man who set me up with the police when it was all a lie, your the man who broke into my home, bleached all my clothes , ruined all my belongings, Your The man who robbed me and took my computer’s, and stole money from my accounts. The man who got me fired from my job, and who told my kids lies just to get them to hate me. You are The man who refused to leave me alone and would not stop for nothing. I could not take it anymore and could not bare to watch you destroy what was left of my world . So I packed my bags and jumped in my car to get as far as I could from you. The words you attack me with, to get my attention, are so powerful and damaging to my soul every single time. it breaks my heart to think you are capable of saying such horrible things to me and have no remorse for saying them.

    You have made it so easy for me to hate you. You have put me in a position where I cant love you anymore. I try and try to convince myself that the things you have done are in the past and I can move on from them. But the Truth is Im not so sure I can.. I will find a way to forgive you, but damage like this in any relationship will forever be damaged. I now know what you are capable of when your angry. Your way of handling things is with Rage, Revenge, and causing direct pain to that person, Even if its to the ones you love the most. So for me to know you could do these things with a blink of an eye is enough for me to stay away forever. You cant be my future. My future does not foresee ugliness like this.

    It took me 3 years for me to find the monster in you. To think I had no idea you could become this way. Never in a million years did I think you would have me put in jail just to save your own ass from being put in jail. Nor did I think you would make up some crazy story about me to the police and try yet again to have me arrested. You are just a very damaged man and you dont know any other way but to put your defenses up and become the Monster inside of you. I know you say you love me , but love does not threaten, or insult, or plan to destroy ones life if she leaves him. When I am with you , you treat me like a Queen. Like no other man ever has. When you leave my site, you treat me worse than any woman should ever be treated. I hate that you have done this. The damage is done and I know I respect myself more than this . Why do I keep letting you in . Maybe I’m scared to deal with what you will do next. Maybe I love you still, Maybe I will miss the good in you. Whatever it is , I know I have to say goodbye and let you go. I need you to let me go too. This isn’t healthy for you nor myself any longer. I only wish you happiness even after all that you have done to hurt me. I will not discount that I have hurt you too and I am so very sorry for my part in your pain. But you think this is love and I think cant be love. True Love only wishes happiness to a person when they are with or without that person in life. And I will always love you with or without you. Please let me go.

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The sky is not completely dark at night. Were the sky absolutely dark, one would not be able to see the silhouette of an object against the sky.

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